I can’t believe I let you treat me so badly for so long. You can’t just treat someone that horribly for that amount of time, it’s just not right, and what’s worse is that I let it carry on. I wasn’t confident enough to stand up for myself or try and stop you, which meant that you assumed that it was just okay to treat me like that. Which it wasn’t, it wasn’t okay at all because now, because of you, you’re the fucking reason that I’m as messed up as I am now. I won’t put the whole blame on you, but you were the one who set it off. You completely ruined everything for me and that makes me hate you, that makes me hate you so much, it makes me so unbelievably angry. If it wasn’t for you maybe I would still have a shred of my self-confidence left, maybe I wouldn’t fucking despise the face I see in the mirror every morning if it wasn’t for you. Maybe I wouldn’t have such a problem with trusting people, maybe I wouldn’t be so terrified to get close to people, maybe I wouldn’t get horrible flashbacks every now and then whenever something reminds me of what you were like. I’m just so furious that for those 7 months, you treated me that way and I didn’t even do anything to stop it. I’m angry at you and at myself for being such a fucking idiot. 7 months. And no one even knows how bad it actually was.

apologies to anyone who reads this because this is going to be insanely cheesy but I don’t even care, a little cheese is fabby every now and then. This post is dedicated to my best friend because she needs to be reminded of just how freaking amazing she really is. I met her almost 6 years ago on our first day at secondary school, I still remember that first maths lesson where we sat next to eachother in complete silence and both thought the other was really weird, not much has changed in that area WE’RE STILL FREAKS AND I STILL THINK SHE’S A COMPLETE WEIRDO and after we sat next to eachother in science and spoke about magic beans and science teachers/sorcerers, a beautiful friendship was born :’) I’m so proud to say that I’m as close with her now as I was back then, which personally I think proves how strong our friendship is. I mean  we have over 30,000 messages to eachother on facebook and that’s only from the past year and a half which just says it all really

I look back over the past 6 years and I can’t think of a time that she hasn’t been there.. we’ve never had a proper fall out and even when things have happened in the past, our friendship still stayed strong and nothing changed, which just proves how much of an amazing person she is. I’ve made some pretty horrible mistakes in the past few years involving her which I regret so much, and not everyone would have just forgiven and forgotten them, but she did, which just shows how incredible she actually is. She honestly has a heart of gold and it’s impossible to actually name something bad about her..I’m literally sat here now trying to flaw her and I genuinely can’t, which just reminds me how amazingly lucky I am to have someone like her in my life, and not just as a friend but as my best friend.

It genuinely breaks my heart when she tells me she’s unhappy with herself or just life in general, because honestly I think out of everyone I know, she deserves to be happy the most. She’s been through so much and it’s so unfair but I guess life sucks like that sometimes, but honestly I love how she still stays strong after all of it, she still manages to smile through it all. I think she’s the strongest person I know and I wish she would believe how much I admire her in that way, and how much I wish i was like her.. because life has thrown so much shit at her and she has managed to get through it all, which makes her so brave and fantastic and just an amazing human being really. Like, on Wednesday night something so horrible happened to her and her family, yet today when I saw her, she had randomly bought me two presents as a little spontaneous surprise.. it’s the little things like that which just remind me of how incredible and kind-hearted she actually is, it just goes to show how even when she’s had such an awful time she manages to put other people before herself. If everyone was like Polly Emberlin the world would be a much better place to put it simply.

I can’t even describe how lucky I am to have someone like her in my life, she is literally completely perfect and she deserves the world and so much more. I just wish she could see how phenomenal and amazing she actually is and how loved she is by everyone, even by people who don’t even know her. I wish she never felt sad or unhappy because she doesn’t deserve it at all, and she should never feel like she does. If I had one wish in life then it would be that she never feels like she’s worthless or ugly or not good enough ever ever ever ever again, because that girl is fucking amazing and it’s about time she saw it. 

I’m cringing at how cheesy and lame this all is but I don’t even care, I’m still not done. It kills me knowing that she thinks such awful things about herself, and if she wasn’t here I don’t think I would really be able to survive without her. I wouldn’t want to live in a world without her. I wish more than anything that life starts treating her better because she deserves it so much, and if she’s happy I’ll be happy. I care about her so much and if I didn’t have her, I honestly don’t know if I’d still be here. Basically to sum it up, she’s absolutely perfect and I couldn’t ask for a better best friend. She’s the most beautiful and gorgeous person i know, inside and out. I never ever ever want to lose her and I hope that we’ll still be best friends when we’re 80 in our nursing homes, and we’ll still be eating percy pigs and sausage rolls and spinning around in our wheelchairs even then. I LOVE YOU SO  MUCH POLLY AND I KNOW THIS WAS INSANELY CRINGEY BUT I TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE SO DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU <3

It always makes me insanely happy when people closest to me remind me of how much I mean to them. It sounds stupid, but it just never fails to shock me that my existence actually matters to someone, that it matters to someone so much that they actually think about me when not speaking to me. I don’t know, it sounds so weird, just the thought that people actually acknowledge me makes me feel so happy. It’s really really really nice knowing I exist to people and that I’m in their memories and that they actually think of me sometimes. It makes me feel more complete and less empty when people remind me of that. Even better knowing that I have made people happy or at least smile is probably the best feeling ever. I can’t even describe how happy it makes me when I know that I’ve made someone feel better. It makes me realize that that’s the type of thing I wanna achieve in life.. fuck everything else, as long as I’m making at least one person happy in the future then I’m gonna be more than content. 

It’s just so nice knowing that there are people out there who like me and are actually glad to know me. That just surprises me so much, because I look at myself and I just see this complete and utter mess, who gets scared making phone calls, can’t even make simple decisions, overthinks every little thing, has a seemingly endless list of flaws and could write a book of all the mistakes she’s made over the past few years. I just look at myself and I don’t understand how people can even bare to speak to me or be around me, or actually have any positivesthoughts about me. It never fails to shock me. Which is why I love those little moments of happiness where I feel like my existence is not only noticed but actually appreciated. which is pretty nice. And that’s what keeps me going

It’s not that I miss you. I think I just miss what I thought you were, deep down. I keep having flashbacks of some of the days we spent together. And even though you ended up completely different, those days will stay perfect forever I think. 25th January 2013, probably one of the best days of my life. Yeah, it sucks a lot that one of the best days I’ve ever had was spent with someone as cuntish as you, but its still perfect in my memory. Because I remember how I felt on that day and yeah, it was perfect. I just remember when we were lying there cuddled on my bed laughing and singing, I can’t even explain it but it just felt right. That was the most comfortable I’ve ever felt with anyone, probably ever. The whole day we spent together and I think I was smiling for every minute of it. Everything felt so great and I got to see the other side of you that people hadn’t seen before, the side that had almost been lost to your reputation and your past. And I remember I was so happy, because me, me of all people had managed to uncover your hidden side. You even told me that you’d never had anything that perfect before, and that you’d never felt that comfortable with anyone. You said this was so much better than anything you’d had before. And I believed you. I don’t understand how about a week later, you’d changed your mind and decided to give up on me. I’m not naive, I know people pretend to be things they’re not, people lie and people are fake, I’ve definitely learnt that from the past. But from that day, the 25th January, I knew you were genuine, I knew that it was real and I know you felt that too, it determined everything. I can’t explain how, I just knew. I guess I’ll never know or understand what went wrong.

At least I can just keep those memories as they are in my mind, completely perfect with no errors, and then try and forget all the shit that happened afterwards. I’ve come to the conclusion that we just met at the wrong time. Maybe if we met years back before you got corrupted and twisted and vile, things would have worked out. It was just the wrong time. I think I’ve finally come to terms with that. 

So in typical-me style, whilst I’m meant to be writing a 2000 word essay for my English coursework, my mind is on overdrive and I’m thinking all philosophically and being all deep and ting. So I’m gonna take a well earned break me thinks (lol I started this essay like 4 hours ago and I’ve written 500 words) and just express myself on here because that is why I made this blog really. My mind is too much of a blafhjfghdagk so this blog is gonna help me be more organized with those thoughts, plus it will give me something interesting to read in a few years and I’l be able to look back and see how much of a loser I was in my teenage years.

So yeah I was just writing this essay and then I just suddenly thought, why the hell am I writing this? I have no interest in Arthur Miller’s plays or Tennessee Williams or essay writing or any of this crap. Sure I love writing and reading but this is the last thing I want to be doing right now. Which led me to think, what is the actual point in all the exams and coursework? Surely a much better way to measure someone’s intelligence would be by testing them on something they’re passionate about and actually enjoy? If I was learning about John Green’s or Stephen Chbosky’s books I would have so much more motivation. And testing someone on things they have no interest with is just going to bore them and stress them out, meaning they won’t put as much effort into it. Why force people to do stuff they don’t enjoy? Surely the main aim in life is to be happy, doing things you enjoy, and I’m pretty sure every human would want to be happy so why all the complications? Whenever I think of my future, the first thing I want for myself is to be happy. But then I realize that first I have to do all this shit that I don’t enjoy at all if I want any chance of being successful and happy. It just makes me ask the simple question, why is life so dull? You go to school to get good grades to go to college to get good grades to go to university to get a good job and then you die. What happens if you don’t want to follow that fixed structure? I don’t necessarily want my life to just be like that, but there isn’t really a lot else I can do because there are so many limitations to what you can do without qualifications. I hate how there’s not really any hope for you if you don’t follow that structure, it’s like a fixed cycle every person is stuck in. I just always think, why, why does it have to like that? Without money or qualifications you can’t really do anything and I hate it.

I remember in Year 11, my maths teacher tried to make me resit one of my GCSE maths exams, because I got a B on them and he wanted me to lift my grade to an A. I told him I didn’t want to, because in all honesty what is the point? I have absolutely no interest in maths whatsoever, I have no desire to become a mathematician, infact I fucking hate maths so why the hell would I waste my time resitting something I have absolutely no care for? He then told me that maths was always important and it would help in my future and that I was making a huge mistake and that I should always aspire to do better etc etc and proceeded to tell me that I would just be “forever floating through life at a B”. Yeah I agree that you should always try your best, but with things you’re passionate about, and personally I have no passion for simultaneous equations. If you do then sure that’s fine, you go achieve your algebraic dreams but I could not care less about it so why spend extra time on something I’m genuinely not bothered about in the slightest?

I just don’t understand why there’s so much fuss around stuff like this. My dad had a massive go at me earlier because I told him I was thinking of dropping English lit at the end of my AS year, he said I’d make a huge mistake because it’s my most academic subject and that I wouldn’t be able to get into Bath or Cambridge uni etc etc. Who gives a fuck about what’s academic or not? I enjoy my other creative subjects like Photography so much more than English, so surely the fact that I actually have a passion for photography is more important than how ‘academic’ a subject is? And who said I even wanted to go to Bath/Cambridge uni anyway? In all honesty I’m not fussed about where I go, as long as I’m doing something I love and enjoying myself.

There is way too much pressure on people to do things they don’t want to do with their life, when really it should be so much simpler. Literally, just find something you love and do it.I genuinely don’t understand all the complications surrounding it. I don’t even care if I sound naive saying all this, I just think life should be so much simpler.